What is the Story You’re Telling Yourself? with Kelli Calabrese

For 34 years, Kelli Calabrese has been an entrepreneur in the realms of fitness, nutrition, lifestyle and abundance.  She specializes in taking a spirit, mind, body approach to living an intentionally fabulous life in a healthy energetic body. 

After going through a divorce that shook her to her core, she was bitter and stuck replaying a sad and unjust story over and over in her head. She couldn’t focus and she watched the business she built slip away.

She then went on journey to heal and figure out how to stop the pain - which she did. She not only survived, but is now thriving and empowering women to overcome the fear, grief and rejection of divorce so they can create a fabulous bonus life they can be excited about.

She is a 3 time Amazon best selling author of the following books:

1. Mom & Dadpreneurs: Stories, Strategies and Tips for Super Achievers in Family and Business.

2. Passionista's: Tips, Tales & Tweetables From Women Pursing Their Dreams

3. Success Habits of Super Achievers

In this episode, Kelli shares her approach to coaching in the areas of health, fitness and relationships. She also shares how to go about living an intentionally fabulous life that free of negative energy.  

Check out Kelli’s website - https://kellicalabrese.com/

Support the show - https://www.patreon.com/successfactorpodcast

Transcript

What Is The Story You're Telling Yourself? with Kelli Calabrese

[00:00:00] Hey friends, thanks for tuning into another episode on the success factor. I'm the host Trent Christensen. And in this episode, I interview Kelly Calabrese. She is a certified divorce coach that helps a lot of other women. Empowering them to overcome stress, rejection, fear to get over the. Excruciating pain of a divorce so that those individuals can heal from the grief get healthy and create a fabulous new life. That's better than what they have asked for, or even thought of in the past or even imagined. She is someone who has had a lot of fitness experience. She's owned quite a few gyms in New Jersey in the past.

She lives in Texas now and she's enjoying her life. She's eliminating all the negativity. We talk about towards the end of the episode, it was actually a pretty cool quote that she said. She just basically eliminates negativity if there's negativity associated to it, she'll eliminate it. And so that she'll keep her growth mindset, her positive thinking and eliminate all the negativity.

She [00:01:00] is a. Coach. She's also a speaker and she works with a lot of individuals. She has a huge following. lot of people go to her for her advice overall energy and overall motivation to reimagine and recreate the life and embrace the dreams and visions that each individual have specifically women.

And so this was a really powerful episode and I hope you enjoy it. Check it out. Thanks.

Kelli Intro

So you are in Dallas, outside dallas.

I am.

And how long have you been there? Because you were in New Jersey for a while, right?

here 16 years. was in New York 13. was in Jersey about 23 or so.

Okay. Cool. So I lived in Jersey before moving here. We were there for about four years. We lived in Chatham, New Jersey.

Okay. I was in Chester. right. Just west of you.

yeah. I know where Chester's at same train route to the city, which is good.

Yes.

And you had like what, 14 gyms there or did I read 

I had like four I had a of [00:02:00] corporate sites that I ran for companies like Calvin Klein, BMW. AT&T Beneficial Insurance.

Yeah,

that's really cool. I don't know why you moved to Dallas and gave all that up. I miss New Jersey myself, but.

Things happen in seasons, right? So that season was ending and we love the weather and, it's just nice place to be geographical. You can be east, west coast pretty easily and, uh, was kind of tired of the snow and don't mind change.

Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. The snow does get to you after a while. Although living in Phoenix, which is where we're at now, I would say that it's the heat it's crazy.

it is. It is crazy. That's why we need two homes.

yeah, I know. I need my mountain retreat home next to a river or a lake high altitude. And then the valley home here for the off season.

That's what I need.

 exactly 

Get Into Fitness

how did you get into fitness? Was this something you wanted to do as a little girl or what

Absolutely. I was 13. When I [00:03:00] wrote in my journal, I will be an exercise therapist and I wrote about 20 other things at that same time.

And almost every single one of them has happened. we do things to move towards pleasure and away from pain. So the away from pain for me was a really strong family history, heart disease, diabetes, obesity, cancer, alcoholism. I looked at all that and went, Ugh. Oh nothing to do with that.

And the move towards was I loved when I was running, dancing, jumping, swimming, cheerleading, softball. I'm like, wow, what do people not get about this endorphin rush? This is really awesome. I want all people to feel this way and be this well and this healthy.

Yeah, that's actually a really good motive. And it's funny because not a lot of people that feel that way today. In fact, I think we've gone like reverse course in our country from a endorphin hit perspective through fitness and health. Why is that?

Well, there's a group of people who are getting it, really getting it, and those who are, they're really taking it to very high levels. They're going organic and green and natural and only putting wholesome things in [00:04:00] their body.

And you could take it far. You can really go to extremes of being healthy. And there's a group that really, really is getting it and wants to live longer, stronger, healthy, energetic, vibrant years. But unfortunately there's still a big group, especially in America that follow a traditional American lifestyle, which is a lot of fast foods, convenience foods, processed foods, and pretty sedentary lifestyle.

And it's just because everything's so convenient that we don't have to do a whole lot of work to get to inexpensive food. That's not good for us. And with all of the modern technology, just don't have to move very much. And it's also very addictive. So we get sucked into sitting in front of technology and not being out in nature.

Diet

Yeah, all of that true. Amen's sister. I totally agree with you on that.

I've been watching, some food documentaries recently with my kids. 

One of the things that we watched recently was I forgot the name of it, but it had to do with the fact that we got it wrong with the [00:05:00] fat free diet and because your body and your brain needs fat, it needs healthy, fat.

We do need healthy fats in order for our cells to communicate. That's part of what opens and closes your cells is you need fats. There's messengers in there that tell your hormones and your cells what to do. And fat is part of it. So we cannot get rid of fat, but we want the healthy, fat, not the trans fats.

I agree on that one too. Have you heard of Dave Osprey with Bulletproof?

Yes.

So I was in New Jersey commuting three hours a day on the trains to the city. Because we lived in Chatham, but I worked in Midtown New York and I did an experiment cuz I got turned onto Bulletproof podcasts and listening to Dave and soaked up all of his products MCT oil and all of that.

And so I did an experiment and I did not exercise. Although I would say I was doing quite a bit of walking from train to train, and train to the office. I put butter just pure butter in my black coffee at the time. And I was a big [00:06:00] coffee drinker then. All I did was put like probably two or three of those little cubes of butter in my coffee.

And I had that for breakfast daily and that was literally the only thing I did differently. And it only took a few weeks to notice a difference. And a few months I was losing pounds and getting fit and I'm like, I don't work out. I don't get it. I haven't changed my other diet, but I feel like, little things like that can go a long ways too.

 Dave's awesome. He's one of those biohacking guys that is always looking for, you know what are the things that we can do to age, naturally. And he also does some things that are extreme.

I would say to people, if you wanna try things, see what works, just make sure it's reasonable, backed by science, healthy and then pay attention to what your body is doing. Is this something that's making feel better or worse? Are you getting results or not?

How do you feel too? Like energy wise. And do you feel like you want to go and actually finish your job, your tasks or whatever? Or do you want to just go crawl in bed.

Right?

Yeah. We wanna do [00:07:00] all these things so that we have more energy and our brains work and we can thrive and go out and do fun things and serve and, live a full, vibrant life.

Spousal Affect

Yeah, absolutely. Now what about spousal effect? Do you have a spouse that supports this fitness health mindset or not?

So I was married for 25 years and my husband was an exerciser and go to the gym. It was part of our lifestyle. So was supportive of me exercising, also

exerciser. I've been

coaching over 35 years. So I have definitely seen where the spouse can sabotage the exerciser.

If they're a non exerciser, I have seen it divide marriages,

Where as they're growing

older one healthy and vibrant. And the other one is sort of, you know, letting themselves go less over time. That can definitely divide a marriage. It doesn't have to, but physical part and the energy that you vibrate out into the [00:08:00] world is a big part there's a lot of research to show exercisers typically earn more money. They longer, they're healthier, more adventurous. Less health issues. They sleep better. So when one person is doing and that's a high value for them and the other isn't there be disconnect there it affects your choices.

a big part of people's lives. One cook healthy and the other doesn't. So there to be some compassion in there if they love each other. they're just gonna this difference or not. People definitely go separate ways, but all that you can do is be the best version of you and hope be an example for your spouse and that they catch to because anything could happen.

They dig their heels in and go, no, you're not not changing me. I'm gonna go gain a hundred pounds and obviously that's silly and doesn't serve anyone, seen it happen,

or they go to a pizza every week and, go to taco bell for lunch every day.

right.

and you're like, wait a minute. I [00:09:00] can't do this. You're tempting me too much.

It's a

big deal.

Kids

Yeah, absolutely. How about your kids? Do your kids adopt this lifestyle or do you find it difficult to get them to, buy into this overall kind of mantra?

Absolutely. So they're almost

21 and 22. They have been athletes, their entire lives. My daughter did volleyball, softball, basketball.

She's in equestrian, even right now in her college years. My son has been an athlete his entire life he's super fit. He's about 4% body fat. This is their lifestyle. They go to the gym, they send me pictures from the gym at college. They are not into the party scene and it's a lifestyle for them.

So they make healthy choices. Thankfully, if I did a couple things, right, you know, that was, I'm sure

I missed

a bunch of things, but the one thing that they do

have is

they're very upright

and really taking care of

their bodies not pushing the limits with destructive things. And it's who they are.

It's their identity. We always had a home gym. We were at the gym. And so my son's a collegiate baseball player. [00:10:00] He's actually has a degree in kinesiology and he is

a coach.

My daughter's been a coach. So it is their lifestyle.

that 

is really cool. 

It shows 

that you rub off on your kids, whether you know it or not, and you probably had a huge influence on their desire to go and follow that type of mindset and overall fitness and health approach to life. It plays a role, right? 

Parents have an influence on their kids one way or the other, and that's a positive influence.

Yes. both got

their license at 16 in the first they drove to get a job was at a children's gym. It was a ninja warrior gym, and they did all the classes in the birthday classes.

And so that's how they spent their high school years being a coach. So that was fun to watch. 

Fitness and Success

Yeah. That's cool. You talked a little bit about how there's a lot of benefits to having an overall healthy fit type of life lifestyle, but how do you think it contributes to your ability to 

achieve success 

in life

yeah, so obviously there's discipline that goes along with being healthy. It's a choice. So usually an [00:11:00] exercise's gonna get up a little bit earlier. It takes work there's days. You don't wanna go to the gym. And then when you get there, you're exerting effort. You're putting out energy and you're working on strength and endurance and flexibility.

And so that takes a certain discipline, but it sets the tone for the day morning, exercisers have the highest compliance, but it also gets your brain going, gets your energy up. It

gets your awareness

up. And once you do that, you're probably not gonna leave the gym and eat donuts. You're gonna leave the gym.

You're gonna have a protein shake or you're gonna have a veggie egg, white omelet, or something

healthy.

So you're starting your day with healthy choices and it continues. So there's a good chance during your exercise time, you might listen to So you're putting positive messages in, listening to music that inspires you and it just, cascades, into the rest of your day. So it's this ripple effect and people who exercise, that's a way to manage stress. So you got your stress out before you even got to the office. You understand how to [00:12:00] breathe when you're exerciser so you can use breathing techniques to lower the stress in your body.

You tend to sleep better when you're an exerciser. So having better quality sleep means that now you're regulating your hormones. You're detoxifying your body. So many things happen during sleep versus people who don't sleep that now their brains are fogged. They're less patient. They're more likely to crash their cars, not be productive at work.

So almost everything in your life, your sex life. I mean Everything's gonna be affected when you are physically fit in

positive

ways. There really are

not any

negatives to being an exerciser. And when you have that kind of discipline, you can apply it to

parenting to your

career, to relationship. Because just like you know people in the military, they have that foundation of knowing you

get up, you get it done,

you do the hard things.

And I

always love

to hire people who have been in the military cuz I know they understand what it's like to

have [00:13:00] discipline and get up and get stuff done.

Change and Habits

Yeah, discipline is really, really important. And to that point, 

 Let's say 

someone that's listening is not either doing conscious, eating or aware of their diet and they're also not exercising. What would you say is most important if they were to take one action today, would it be changing your diet and working on your overall intake quality?

Or would it be to not focus on that first and go and exercise one way or the other? Which one of the two is the most important thing that if you change one thing you focus on that first.

Yeah, really. It depends on what is the person willing

do.

Cause we can give 'em great advice all day

but what

are they willing to do? So if you gave them a list of things and say, okay, which one of these would you be willing to commit to? And if they go, well, I could drink more water. Great. Let's start there.

And then.

sometimes

I'll give them options on a to don't list. So what are the things you're doing that you're willing to stop? Okay, you're staying up watching, until two morning or playing video games or drinking a bottle of wine or whatever it is like, [00:14:00] can you stop doing something harmful?

And when you stop doing something that's not contributing to your health and success that opens up space and makes room for doing something positive. can you turn, you're watching, porn or horror movies or whatever, to a good podcast like this. That's putting good things in.

Can you

take one soda and make it a water?

So a lot of times it's swapping out something better, but if you just give someone an exercise plan, an eating plan, and they're not ready, they're just never gonna do it. So a lot of times I'll start with what to stop. And then start to choose one at a time, something healthy. And then they build on other that

ripple

effect. Cuz start feeling better drinking water

then your brain health

is better. You'll start dropping a little weight, your pants fit better. And then you want to go outside and walk because you have more

energy and

you're not bloated and your joints don't hurt.

So

it's really the thing that

they're willing

pick.

But if I had to say what are the [00:15:00] keystone things, obviously drinking water, obviously moving your body, putting in things that nourish your body and getting out in nature and moving. Those are, the basics of a place to start.

it seems like a lot. And maybe a lot of people get overwhelmed by that, right? Because there's so many different aspects you have to change. And some people are not even aware of these necessary changes or not doing any of 'em the overall quantity of these type of shifts that you have to do to be able to align perfectly with Eating right.

Balancing fitness, balancing health, and changing your overall work life balance and intake balance. 

 What do you think is the biggest limiting factor or what do you think is the biggest reason why people either don't stick with it or don't 

start it.

95% of what we do after the age of 35 is 

habitual So we have developed a habit that by the age of 35, that's we do, 95% of the time for the rest of our life, unless there's some catacalysmic , event that comes in changes [00:16:00] it. But it's it's just something that we learned. So whether we learned it from our or where we went to college, or we just got in this routine with a spouse, we just repeat it over and over It's Groundhog Day, every single day. you need to do different and it starts with the belief. example, I'm a cigarette smoker and I believe smoking is good for me, I'm not gonna stop smoking. There's nothing. Anyone do no facts no pictures of black lungs. I it doesn't I think smoking is good me, I am not

ready.

But if I'm ready to think about gym, I might start to look at

gyms online.

Do I think I'll fit there? What does it I start look at running shoes. so there's a preparation readiness to eventually get to the point where either the pain is so great of being unfit, overweight of shape exhausted, pleasure is so great. boyfriend broke up need to look I better, the gym and this out. [00:17:00] There's gotta be some motivation, but it starts with a belief. then becomes a thought something, you start thinking on Like, I think I gotta work out. I out You start noticing people are exercising you. heightens youyour awareness front of your brain And then that thought you start to speak it. You start to tell people like, I, I think I'm gonna join the gym, or do think about yoga? Or do you know place where I could get a or just start to speak it and tell people like, I am gonna lose 20 pounds, then that speaking, you start to it.

It's just natural. When whatever say, you act on then that action starts to become habit. do that over and over over. And then that will become part of your character. I'm someone who goes to yoga Saturday mornings, and then it's your identity. Like this is the new me.

Like I to the gym five a week or I'm CrossFit, I signed a

marathon

and it becomes who you are just like the current is who you are. It's a result of every [00:18:00] decision, every action, every habit you have. we have the beauty changing that at any time. 

Changes from coaching and training

What have you seen happen with people you've trained and coached and worked with in terms of their overall mental health, how have you seen people shift from either, a load of medications to maybe even not even needing any based upon fitness, health, and diet?

Yeah. So there

is a lot of things that people can do. Starting out with breath work, it can calm your body down. Journaling is a great tool where people can just take their thoughts and write them down. They can start to dream again and write that down. They can write goals down or just whatever they're anxious about.

They can create a prayer list, just getting it from your head onto is huge. Things like stretching, flexibility, yoga, any of that is

great way. a

great tool that people can use to calm down the meditation is so powerful because most people don't do it. So when you do it, it's like, wow, this is an opportunity really [00:19:00] relax release.

And I have them do what I call like a heaven experience.

If you're

gonna lay there, why not imagine the highest possible thing that you can think of? And for me, that's heaven. So I have them lie there and just imagine that kind of an experience and see where that takes them. And that's where, incredible things can happen that go beyond any coaching that I could do with them, a movement getting in nature, take your shoes off, go stand in the by the water or the lake, or get under trees.

I get in awe, go out and look at the stars. Get out from under your fluorescent lights and, talk to people connect. And there's so many things that people do to get out of the fear and the chaos with people is huge. That's why we're here. Isolation does the opposite. You, when people spend too much time alone and then there's that voice in their head, that's always going, you're not good enough.

You're not smart enough. not making enough money. You're so get around people that are [00:20:00] where you wanna be because you're surroundings really make a difference. So if you're surrounding yourself by people who catastrophize gossip and they're decisive and just toxic, that's what you You wanna be around people that are brave and nurturing

and adventurous and

love to learn and

move towards their goals

Or whatever it's that you wanna do find your people get around your tribe.

Inspiring Success Stories and How She Coached

What's the most inspiring success story that you have witnessed or transformation experience with someone who has come into your life and looked for your coaching, your help, or whatever, to. Change their fitness, their health, and what's the coolest, transformation story that

You've witnessed.

I'll tell you my,

the first big one that I remember, I was 17 and I was in New Jersey, owned the health clubs, and this guy was a big time New York attorney. And when he would walk into the health club, you could feel like,

whoa like

he was just so tense and angry and intense.

And then they gave them me. And I was 17 and I started [00:21:00] working with

him and

the very first I asked him, what are your goals? And he said, To drive a Mercedes SL. And at the time I was like, I'm not sure how I'm gonna help you do that. He's like, well, I can afford it, but I can't fit behind the wheel.

Okay. All right. We got something to work on then. And as he started coming in, as the weeks went by, wow, you could just see this bounce in his step. belly was going down, his coloring was coming back. His posture was improved. He, and he would say to me, yeah, the people at work, they, just think I'm, I'm happier.

They're noticing, they're saying stuff. And he goes, yeah even my wife likes me better. And it's

fun. My kids are fun. And all this stuff that just completely had alluded him before, cuz he was so intense and so angry and.

it

was all of a sudden it was like, wow.

Taking that physical, but also the mental and the emotional spills over.

So I was able to start by doing physical things with him, but it affected every area of his life. And one more recently I also do relationship coaching in addition to the health, fitness nutrition. And this [00:22:00] woman came in and she was like, oh, I hate my husband. I can't stand to be in

the room

with him.

I hate his tattoos. I'm moving into the guest room. I mean She was like, I'm like, okay, let's take a breath. Let's just start to work on you. Let's just forget him for now, but let's just work on you. And so we worked on her and we worked on, who her authentic self was and um she needed to forgive in life cuz

she was

holding a lot of anger and bitterness we worked on just renewing the old story she was telling herself and the fear about what she thought her future was gonna be like.

Um Anyway, that was about

two years

ago. And now, I just love seeing her and her husband and her

family, and

they are United. They are connected. They are in love and they do everything together and they dream and it's just, they were totally headed towards divorce, but her working on herself and of course he wanted to stay married, helped, but now it's better than either one of them could ever imagine their fit.

They vacation, they [00:23:00] exercise together. It's beautiful to watch.

let's talk 

about that. That's a cool story. They both are, but what is it that you do? What are some of the key changes that you immediately do with with her in this case to, to make those changes? What's the first few things that you do.

Yeah.

One of the things is identity. We see ourselves a certain way in the world based on things in the world. I'm a wife,

I'm a

trainer. I wear these shoes. I drive this car. I, whatever, but all of those things can go away in a moment. They can. Yeah. Your husband can leave you.

Even your kids at 18 or so, they're gonna leave the house and you could lose your job, your car, whatever. So really getting to the core of

who is your

authentic self and doing those meditations really help people to get there. So I'm not a psychiatrist psychologist for not doing like deep, deep, deep work like that,

but really just

going, okay.

What's a story you're telling yourself about your life. And are you really conforming to who you think you're supposed [00:24:00] to be? Or is there something greater that you're called to, that we can help you to move towards?

I'll usually start a coaching session with what would make today a great conversation.

So I ask really good questions that get them to think differently. They're like, wow, no one's ever asked me that before. What would make this great. So I ask them a lot of questions that get them to think differently. And then they act differently. A big one is definitely forgiveness. We all hold grudges.

We all wanna blame. We all wanna, burn people who have done us wrong and not taken

that away.

People do terrible things to people there's abuse and just awful things that happen. We're all human. And, we heard people heard us, but you can't carry So the ones who can accept it are the ones who do the

best.

So if you're like, he didn't cheat on me. He I didn't just get fired. You're gonna stay stuck and stop. And in pain a long time, you're gonna suffer . But if we can get you to accept okay, this is where you are. [00:25:00] And so I take them through these grief stages and it really starts with.

Shock when something happens like, whoa, there was just an accident or my business partner just stole all the funds or, whatever the thing is,

there's

shock. And then there's numbness where you just, you almost shut down. You can't even function. And then you just wanna check out.

you just wanna hide. You just want to bury your head in the sand.

Yeah. You're just totally not like your brain literally is not working. It's almost like PTSD and then there's denial. Like, no, wait a minute, this doesn't happen. This hasn't happened to me. I did all the right things. This is no, no, no, wait a minute.

Hold on. I was the good girl that um then there. Could be emotional outbursts and anger. There's fear that sets in when

people start projecting

about the future. Yeah. And eventually they'll get to a point where they start searching, like, okay,

I, need to

figure this out. And they start looking for, what could that look like?

And they'll be some disorganization and some chaos cuz we never get it right the first [00:26:00] time and it's not perfect and we need to figure it out. And that's part of it. Some people will panic, they're just going right to that anxiety, panic. And through this grief cycle you

can't really skip any places.

So there may be guilt. There may be loneliness, isolation, depression. So wherever I catch them in this cycle,

I help

to move them along to the place. So they don't stay stuck or stop. And it's never linear. It's like, okay, then you go from lonely to depressed, to angry to you get triggered. It's messy and people move through one phase a little bit easier and other phases, they may get stuck there

for a long time.

So my job as a coach is to keep asking them really good questions, to get them to think differently to commit to some action steps and help keep them accountable to whatever those action steps are. 

That's

incredible. I think a lot of people hold onto these, these cycles for a very long time. And I would venture to say some of them actually really repeat themselves.

too.

Forgiveness

I've gone through some stuff in the last [00:27:00] few years, family related. That was just horrible. 

And I experienced every single one of those phases you just mentioned. And it really wasn't until you understand that the forgiveness is there to benefit you, you benefit, it helps you. It helps you grow. It helps you learn and it helps you release the negative toxicity and energy. That's holding you back from achieving whatever you want to achieve. 

is, was so empowering, 

not just for any other purpose, but just for me.

And I didn't realize that until I went through something traumatic.

So true.

I mean You finally forgive

yourself that

is harder

than forgiving.

Anyone who did you wrong? Because if you're feeling like a failure or guilty or rejected or whatever it is. you're burying all that down and we're gonna do something to try and function. So we're either gonna stuff it down or we're gonna minimize it like, oh, that wasn't really big deal or we'll just rationalize [00:28:00] it.

Oh, well that happened because of this. Or, we'll sort of compromise or blame or, pun, it we're gonna do something when we're not forgiving ourselves. But when we do there's this whole freedom that literally you'll feel like, whoa, like so much better, so much lighter, cuz you're not

burning yourself.

You're not holding your own feet to the fire anymore. And so the highest level of forgiveness is what I call living a predecided life. So I pre decide to live in peace. I pre decide not to judge. I pre decide not to criticize, not to be a victim, not to let the government politics, whatever affect my day.

I pre decide I'm gonna look for a win-win in every situation. So when you go about your day like that, you're not gonna get upset when someone cuts you off okay, that's on them, they're having a bad day. Or if someone comes at you and you're like, wow, I

didn't have anything

to do with that.

I'm not gonna receive that. And I'm also quick to apologize if I did something to offend someone else I'm gonna apologize quickly, [00:29:00] sincerely.

And

just create this atmosphere of forgiveness with people that I'm in relationship with. So making sure

they know that

I will apologize if I feel like I did something to offend them and just create that atmosphere and they'll start to do the same thing.

So now you're an end to that cycle of ugly, bitter, dagger, and thorns and hatred. And you're getting addicted to a cycle of forgiveness instead of a cycle of pain and judging and blaming and all that. it just becomes the culture in your home and in your relationships when you're quick to go, you know what I am so sorry, please forgive me.

I didn't mean to do that. I love you. And, then you can it from there. And bill doesn't mean it didn't happen. Doesn't mean you'll forget it, but it's about releasing it, not carrying it. 

Triggers/Boundaries

Everyone has triggers and everyone has boundaries. And when their boundaries get crossed, it sometimes triggers them. How do you handle that? Or how do you recommend other people handle that?

Yeah. You really need to figure [00:30:00] out what is it that you do. So For example, are you an enabler? Are you someone who's like hyper responsible? Are you a perfectionist?

Like, where do the boundaries need to be? That people are crossing, that you need to put up that boundary. um Let's say you're a control freak. , and you're trying to be in everyone's business and be their savior and whatever you need to put that boundary up and say, okay, I don't need to take on their thing just because they told me about it.

I don't need to fix it. I don't need to save them. I don't need. So you put your own boundary up. So what you might say is, oh, wow. So sorry to hear that. What are you gonna do about that? 

Hmm.

And just

quiet and let them figure it out. And you start doing things differently, then they will start doing things differently.

So that's how the boundaries help. Because if let's say you're always the one who gets dumped on and takes

everyone's

problems, you're not gonna do that anymore. So you put up that boundary and go, wow, sorry you had that problem.

think you gonna [00:31:00] do?

That's

interesting. Do you think a lot of people are inherently people pleasers and that's really what holds them back from doing that?

I was I was a people pleaser. I was an enabler. Usually people wind up in two different ends of a ditch. There's a healthy place in the middle, but when one person is really hyper something, the other person compensates by being hyper something else. So if one person is really lazy and foolish and irresponse the other one becomes responsible, controlling perfectionism, and

Then you have two hurt people who just keep hurting each other in this vicious ugly cycle.

The number one thing that everyone wants, who has breath is to be unconditionally loved. We wanna be loved for who we are. We don't wanna be fixed. We don't wanna be coached. We just want you to love us for who we are. And then the number one need women have is security. So they want to know their man is gonna give them security.

And for a man they

wanna

be respected. But what happens is when a woman starts feeling insecure,

She starts treating

her [00:32:00] man differently in, in a way that's disrespectful. He thinks he's being disrespected, which he is. And so he starts doing things to make her feel less secure and now you've got this, ugly cycle, but when you look at it from a 10 foot view

looking down,

you're like, oh, okay, I see what's going on there, but you have to know these things.

And when you have hurt people who are doing that they have learned habitually, they just keep hurting each other, then they get in this vicious, ugly cycle. That's why the coaching is

so

good because have someone who look in

the outside

and it's easy to see, what's going on.

When you're not in the,

The thick of. .

Rock Bottom

Everyone I've

spoken to almost everyone on this show.

And as well as friends, I have. 

Have a similar story 

where it took a moment like that, where you either hit rock bottom or you go through this dark path and then something happens. Something either triggers or something, gives you greater perspective, connection, purpose, passion, and you get back on your feet and you go [00:33:00] out even stronger and you use your skills and your knowledge for a much, much more impactful, whatever objective you're trying to achieve.

And they usually become much 

more successful 

after that. Would you agree with that

a hundred percent. Yeah. Anyone who's

done great has overcome something difficult. The movies we love the most are the true stories or based on a true story where yeah. Someone overcame something that was so unreasonably difficult, but the idea is they got knocked down 10 times and they got up 11 and that's what it takes

to

really thrive.

Otherwise you're gonna spend your life as a victim and the victim energy, which is actually an energy you can measure equivalent to a decaying body. So that's basically, really, yeah, it is the lowest level that you can still be alive and breathing, but your body's actually decaying that's victim energy.

The highest level is love crazy joy, peace, patience, kindness. Goodness. That's love is the highest level. And in the [00:34:00] middle, the thing that's the tipping point that gets people to go from victim to love is courage.

Are

you willing to get back up? Will you be bold enough to do it again? it again. Take a risk again.

might fail again. Are you willing to try and get back up again? No matter how many times you've been knocked down and, look at Michael Jordans or, So many great examples of the people

who took

another shot back up again, did more than anyone else. did 

Victim Energy

Why isn't people get stuck in the victim mentality? I know people who have gone through something, but they don't want to face it. They wanna hide it. They wanna bury it. They don't want to embrace it and let it be that moment in time that redefines their future and helps them achieve something more powerful and significant in the road.

They're just stuck. It's like they don't want to go down the dark path. They just want to stand still a few feet into the dark tunnel and not 

go anywhere. 

Why do people do 

that?

Yeah. Well, there are studies that have looked at what is the thing? Is it that they were [00:35:00] first born? Is it,

were they

born to a rich family?

Did they have the best education at the best school? They, and the thing that they was education, didn't matter how wealthy word didn't matter. You none of that mattered. What mattered was grit. So that you were gritty enough to get back up and try again. And what I have found is the people who can accept their situation.

So you get a D cancer diagnosis. You can't sit there and go, I don't have cancer, I don't have cancer, but two people can have a similar cancer diagnosis and one decide I'm gonna live. I am gonna thrive like this cancer, just starts speaking to the cancer. Go away, get outta my body, be gone, all the things or people can sit there and go, the cancer's growing.

It's getting bigger. It's taking over my organs. The diagnosis is gonna be terrible. The doctor's gonna tell me I have six months left. And what they show is that one, a person is given an amount of time to live. They die almost to the day of what the doctor told them. So if the doctor says you've got six months, nine months, [00:36:00] two years almost to the day, cuz they just have in their mind, their death date and they start working backwards and they will die.

On that day. 

And so that is crazy Kelly. 

It is, but it's the mind, mind and the people who decide, you know what I'm gonna look for every alternative, natural thing. I'm gonna stop sugar. I'm gonna, exercise, I'm gonna sleep I'm gonna look for, naturopathic doctors.

gonna juice. I'm gonna, whatever they books, they read the recipes, they do the hard thing. And not always, people may still but they may live with quality they may beat and live another 20 years. So we have a choice in everything, we choose to under the rock and stay in bed and

take

the diagnosis and just

suffer

through it like a victim, or get up and fight do our have the best outcome.

victim comment to me. is amazing. It's very powerful to think about that, but where did, okay, well, I have a couple thoughts. It makes me think of an [00:37:00] emotional zombie. Like you're alive, you're physically not a zombie state, but you're agreeing and subjecting your emotions and your soul to an emotional zombie 

state.

Where did you get that information from? Like the overall idea or concept that they have proven that the energy that your body produces in a victim mentality is equivalent to a dying body.

So there's

a book called power versus force by Dr. Hawkins. He has since passed, but he has several books and in those books he explains all the energy levels and how

that works.

So you can feel it too on

person,

When someone

walks in the room and you know, they're bitter, it's like, Ooh, like you, you,

you

could feel that bitterness. And when someone walks in the room and they're. Filled with energy and draw you in. You're like, wow, what do they have? I want some of that.

Like, whoa, I wanna be with that person. And when I leave their presence, I feel peace still. And I feel loved. And we can, feel [00:38:00] energy on people. I was with a friend last night. Who's husband passed away within the last, you less than a year. And you can just

it

won't be forever, but it's still fresh.

Like her husband that she loved had a long suffering death. And so when you're with

her.

it brings my energy down

a little

bit, not in a bad way, but

I wanna match her a little bit and

her up.

I don't wanna come in Hey,

Live's green And she's just still sad. So you can sit with your friend in that little bit of a lower energy state.

Versus someone who's, in a different season and their energy is higher. But I don't stay down when I leave her, but I wanna be empathetic and kind of match that she's hurting, and she wants someone to sit with her. Now she'll come out of it in time and she's working on it and she's doing counseling and grief coaching and all that.

But you feel that energy, even when she speaks, she wants to honor husband and you wanna sit there and honor her husband with her cuz that's her heart. And that's not a bad thing, but it won't be forever. Maybe in months she'll start dating. I

don't know. But [00:39:00] it's where she is now.

So yeah, everything has people have energy.

Negative Energy People

Oh, totally. People completely have energy. And that leads to my next point. You made me think of like the negativity from media, the negativity from just overall content that you're looking at on screens. What about the energy that comes from people? Like the old saying goes, you're a product of whoever your close five friends are or whatever the saying is, and there's some truth to that because you're essentially absorbing the energies from other people. And you're you're kind of mirroring that. How do you personally get rid of, or eliminate and marginalize?

The people that do have negative energies?

Yeah, so there's no one in my circle, my intimate circle that's anything less than great energy. Doesn't mean they don't have a bad day or get stressed afraid or whatever.

But for the most part, they're full of wisdom and joy and

life.

The people who are, negative judgy, gossipy, they're nowhere near. They don't get on the inside. There's [00:40:00] friends who I love, but I know what I'm dealing with. I choose to interact with them, like I have a friend who likes to be a martyr, she likes to let me know what's going on and that she needs help, but doesn't ever want help.

So I don't even ask her anymore. you're moving. Okay, good luck. Let me know how it goes. Cuz I've asked so many like, can I you? What I do? I've got a truck I've gotta. And so now it's just like, okay, just wants to tell me that she's suffering and she's choosing to be a martyr.

And you know that if I choose to respond, that I know what I'm

dealing.

So I choose not to let

anyone into that intimate circle. That's gonna drag me down. If someone wants to come up and they want me to mentor them, I'm all about it. I love to mentor people who wanna get to the next level, but they have to show me that they're doing it.

So I give you something to do, and then you do it. And then we do the thing and the next thing. if I give you something to do, and you're still complaining gossiping, filled with excuses, then you get moved out

a circle

Yeah 

You get fired by you now, how do you call people out? Do you tell them, Hey, [00:41:00] you know what? You have some negative energy about you. Where is this coming from? Do you speak about it?

Yeah.

So I have a friend right now, who's through a lot and she

is afraid. She's

making a lot of big life decisions

and I

could just feel fear on her I can see it

from that 10,000

foot view of she's trying to control a lot of things.

And there's a lot of big decisions and she's got herself kind of worked up in this, in chaos. So sometimes my part is to be a friend who will listen, and then I can say, Hey, what's the story you're telling yourself about this. Is

really happening? Or I

can say, okay, practically speaking, what if you just didn't do that?

Or what if you just stopped or so I can, give coaching advice again, to get them think differently. If what you're doing is not working something different has to happen, or you can keep suffering and spinning, this way you've got a choice. And asking different questions can really help cuz it stops people in their tracks and go wait a minute.

Okay. I've been in fear now for a long time or I've been trying to control and this [00:42:00] hasn't been working and okay. What would it look like if this was

different.

Positive Energy

do You have like a common link that you've seen with people that are inspiring, motivating, positive. They have a good vibe. They want to create, explore their skills and talents, help others and people that are in your circle that have those type of energies and 

vibes. 

What's some 

commonalities between those people in terms of practice behaviors, minds, or any other factors that may be contributing to those?

Yeah, they've usually been through a lot. One of the core values that people in my group typically have are it's usually some type of faith base where they believe there's something bigger than us. Mm-hmm, , there's something that there's more than us. Like if I'm it that's sad. If my brain and my body is all there is, that's pretty sad.

So a lot of us, the commonality is faith. So right there, that just gives you an idea of the core values of the people. They're honest, they have integrity,

they're hardworking.

All those

kind

of go along with a faith based community. [00:43:00] So right away, you find your commonality. If it's motorcycles

or.

Gardening or whatever it might be, find your people find your tribe, but then the ones that you really vibe with who are ahead of you doing what you want to do. So core values, like even I'm not dating yet, but if I were dating, there's certain core values that are non-negotiables for me.

You need to be someone who's trustworthy. If I can't trust you they're like, I'm not gonna spend, you time wondering and worrying. That's not gonna work

for

You need to have some fruit in your life. Meaning at this stage of your life, I'm in my almost mid fifties. You need to show some good things.

You've got relationships, you've got a good career. You've established, you've invested. You've, a good circle. So know what your core values and your non-negotiables.

are.

And, for example, not gonna hang out with people who, do drugs and get drunk every night. And you know that's not, for me, I'm not judging them, but that's not gonna work for me at all.

I'm not gonna go in and go, I can get 'em to quit [00:44:00] smoking. I get 'em to lose a hundred pounds. I can get, no, you like, what you see is what you get. If they wanna change that's on them, but you can't in thinking you're gonna change anyone.

Yeah, that's a good, that's a good point.

And, or save anyone. I'm not anyone savior.

I tried that it didn't work.

Defining Success

All right. Kelly what does success mean to you and how do you define success for yourself?

Yeah.

 I define success as what I call the highest possible. Good. Which for me is love. So I, every day that's the barometer. That's the lens that I look through when I make all my decisions is to let love. win So if love is the highest energy and love is the highest possible. Good. How can that win in every situation?

that's

what I wanna relentlessly contend for every single day for me. I'm at a time in my life right now, where I do have a lot of freedom of time and resources where I can wake up every day and say, okay, [00:45:00] God, what are we doing today? And for me, I wanna go out and just be the hands and feet of, a helper that I can go and serve and help people in a variety of different realms.

And so that's what I'm open to right now. So I have the freedom to do that, and it's pretty awesome.

Managing Bad Days

you have to have had some bad days. Everyone has bad days. How do you handle the bad days? What like if you get you know some negativity thrown at you or you get a desire to go eat a full pizza yourself, or a gallon of ice cream or whatever it is, how do you handle those kind of urges or negativity yourself?

Yeah, I

will manage what I can on my own, keeping my goals in mind and go, okay. Yeah, you want the chocolate ice cream, bud. If you eat it, you're gonna

have to

sell your light on your legs. But I still may have some ice cream. I may still do it, but I know there's gonna be a price to pay.

If I do, if I can't manage it on my own, I will dial a friend

and be

connected and surrounded by [00:46:00] really wise people who will tell you like it is they're not emotionally attached to your outcomes their situations, but they have perspective and they can see things because they're in the heat of it or the emotion of it.

Who might just give you a word that you needed to hear? And you're like, ah, okay. That's what I needed. as long as there's one word, one saying one remembrance and you're like, okay, I'm good. For me, I will write things down. I will get outside clear my mind. I will do like a affirmations where I'll go out and I'll walk around the lake and I'll just affirm whatever it is that I want to move towards and speak against what I'm I wanna move away from.

So I am strong.

I am

powerful. I am confident. I am bold. I am. So I'll just walk and repeat all these affirmations and move towards the things that I want. And sometimes you're moving away from the things that you don't want at the same time.

Books - Super Achievers 

There are definitely success habits of super achievers. In fact, that's my latest bestselling book.

It's called [00:47:00] success habits of super achievers. So that tells a story of 80 ordinary people, just like you and I, who had something unreasonably difficult happen to them, which we all have, but they got back up again

and

they did it in such a resilient way.

And they went out to do something that made a difference in the world. So if they had whatever the thing was like for me, my story in that book is about my divorce. And so I got back up and I took time and I healed and I got certified and did all the training. Then I created a divorce recovery program where I help women get through that grief of divorce to not only healthy and readjusted, but really to a place of wow.

Other Books

 And I like your two of 

your books. So the 

Passionist us is that one. And then the mom and dad pers that's the other, which one came first 

out of the two.

So Passionist has actually came out right before mom and dad Pinora Passionist is basically is stories of women who are super achievers [00:48:00] who tell a story that

they would tell

to their younger self.

So it was initially intended for millennials when it was written about six years ago, but men love it. All ages love it.

been

incredible.

How many people

read that book, but that was the original market was for younger women. And the millennials are amazing. Older women have so much

learn

from millennials, but it was really wisdom from life stories.

The mom and dad pans that tell stories of about 30 different

who are

all different walks, they're married, they're single, they're adopted parents, they're blended families, and they were able to put their family as a priority, their lifestyle. This was way pre COVID. And still be a super achiever in whatever their talents are, whatever industry that they're called to, but they weren't doing a, 70 hour work week meeting to an office kind of thing.

They found a way to have a great lifestyle and build a business.

Connecting with Kelli 

How do people get in touch What are your various current [00:49:00] programs or coaching that people can engage with you on?

Yeah. So any women going through separation divorce, post divorce, I have a program called intentionally fabulous, single redefined.

They can go to intentionally fabulous.com. They can get it there. And I also have my coaching on there. If they want, group coaching or one-on-one coaching, they can add to it. I have a free

Facebook

page that anyone can go to. It's called intentionally fabulous. And I pour into that page. Every day I'm posting things,

we talk

about the hard things we support and encourage each other.

We laugh and it's just a good community. And when people are going through divorce, there's really a lot of loneliness and isolation and they need a tribe. So that's a great place. And then Kelly calabrese.com. They can find the books and I've got a YouTube channel with hundred plus videos on their life coaching topics.

Closing

I certainly appreciate you coming on the show. This has been very insightful. I love your energy. You're very positive. You're putting off your best foot and it's [00:50:00] authentically showing, and I can see how people really resonate with you and engage with you from overall health, fitness, mindset, mindfulness, and relationship as well, or even just improving and healing from trauma.

And

I think you're very effective and I think you have a very good skill that you're using in the right way. And it definitely shows and you're passionate about 

I appreciate that. And I appreciate

you bringing this

show to the world. The world needs shows

like this more

positive messages that are impactful.

So thank you for your commitment to making this 

happen 

No problem. Thank you. Let's keep in touch. I would love to see, where things go and just overall and maybe even engage you for a variety of different things myself, because I wanna get more fit and improve my overall, health and mental space. So, and you're a great person to do that.

So let's keep in 

touch.

We will do it. I would love that. Thank you.

All right. Thanks.